I'm Getting Sentimental Over You

[chanson_de_maupin]

They depart the Matous' residence just as the rain turns to snow; the flakes catch in Saber's curls and turn to beads of glass. "I was sharp with you," she says, after a moment of walking. "I should have been kinder."

Comments

[girlwiththegandrshot]

Kirsikka arranges her stole against the chill, fur glistening in the snow-scattered light, and looks ahead as she walks. "My behavior was unconscionable," she says without turning. "The fate of Lancer, our ally, hung in the balance, and I ignored it to obsess over a turn of phrase that had nothing to do with our strategy. Lancer and his Master must think me ..." She swallows. "It doesn't matter what they think of me. I know my behavior was unconscionable."

[chanson_de_maupin]

"Mine wasn't any better. Worse, I might even say." She offers her arm. "You were right to say that I struck you as unheroic. In truth, I didn't feel like a hero when I killed her. She didn't even use a Noble Phantasm--imagine what kind of battle it would have been, if she had!"

[girlwiththegandrshot]

"I never said you weren't a hero --" Her eyes flicker for a moment towards Saber, before she takes the arm offered, looking down and lowering her voice. "Or I didn't intend to. I didn't even notice my hero was unwell, until Kaede asked after you."

[chanson_de_maupin]

"No, you said I was 'hiding in my cups.'" She shrugs, and with their arms linked, it's impossible that Kirsikka should miss it. "I'd be in my cups if I were happy, too; would it be any more a retreat? Or any less?"

[girlwiththegandrshot]

"You'd be happy. You'd be proud. You'd be shining, the way that you do when you're proud and happy, when you've gotten away with something glorious ..."

[chanson_de_maupin]

"Was this something glorious?"

[girlwiththegandrshot]

"I thought that it was. I still don't understand the difference between one death and the other -- I don't understand what made it murder. But if murder is what it was, if ashamed is how you feel, I --" She hesitates, and rearranges her stole. "I don't want that."

[chanson_de_maupin]

She slides her arm down Kirsikka's until she can link their hands together. "But this isn't shame, chérie. It's not even regret. It's only disappointment."

[girlwiththegandrshot]

She purses her lips together. "If I could, I would demand the Grail give her back, so that you could fight her over again -- would that satisfy you?"

[chanson_de_maupin]

"Only if you could make it give her back with twice the skill and twice the power," she replies. "I look forward to the day when I can fight Archer, or Rider--those will be real battles."

[girlwiththegandrshot]

"So it's that you were ... ill-matched," she ventures. "That's the difference between a battle between heroes and a slaughter -- that's what left you disappointed?"

[chanson_de_maupin]

"That's it, yes. I want to meet my match, or why should I fight at all? There's no glory in destroying the weak. There's no joy in it."

[girlwiththegandrshot]

"I thought the glory of it would be the glory of the wish that you fought to fulfill -- I thought the joy of it would be the joy of coming closer. But if that were the case, you could destroy only the weakest, and come closer quicker ... There would be nothing heroic about that," she says decisive. "It's a bully, who seeks out those she can best. It's a hero, who seeks out those who might best her, for the sake of finding her match ..."

[chanson_de_maupin]

"And it's a wise woman who can see the difference, Lady Kirsikka." There's a touch of irony in the title, but only a touch. "I'm no soldier, who fights for a cause--no Odysseus, no Achilles, and no Lancer. My glory comes from choosing my own: my own friends, and my own enemies."

[girlwiththegandrshot]

"I think I understand," she says, at last, lifting her chin. "And from now on, I must endeavor to grant you that freedom: the freedom to choose."

[chanson_de_maupin]

"Have you ever denied it to me?" She reaches over with her free hand and chucks Kirsikka under the chin. "We're a good match. You give me the freedom I need, and I give you the victories you crave."

[girlwiththegandrshot]

If Kirsikka flushes, at that, it must be from the cold and the snow. "I did grow irritated, when you chose without me. But now I know you'll fight and you'll flirt when you will --"

[chanson_de_maupin]

"Jealous?" she asks; there is a warmth to her voice that has nothing to do with merriment.

[girlwiththegandrshot]

She huffs. "Of what?"

[chanson_de_maupin]

"Of those I've chosen to engage without your leave."

[girlwiththegandrshot]

"In fighting or flirting? When, what was it you said --" She quirks an elegant eyebrow. "I don't even fuck?"

[chanson_de_maupin]

"You don't. I never see you cast a lustful eye on anyone, man or woman."

[girlwiththegandrshot]

Looking at the snow, she says, "My mother always told me to choose a husband like you'd choose an opponent -- to make sure he's my match as a magus. Our children have to be worthy of the Family Crest, after all."

[chanson_de_maupin]

"Pfah, husbands. They're the least of a woman's cares." She dismisses the entire tribe of them with a wave of her hand. "But you've never looked at someone and felt your blood singing, your heart roaring, your lips aching for a kiss? Never felt a fire build at the very root of you until you thought it would drive you mad?"

[girlwiththegandrshot]

She wants to protest that if the woman is a magus, she has to pass on her Crest or her work is for nothing -- but she presses her lips together, and considers the question. "I've felt my circuits sing," she says, "but not my blood."